"I Am Tired" by elgirasol

TW// mention of anxiety, depression, sex “I am tired” I honestly don’t know how many times I have said that phrase to myself and to people around me. “I’m tired” I’m pretty sure a lot of us have said that phrase too, to ourselves, to our bosses, our coworkers, to our friends, and even to our family. I was taking a shower and that phrase was on repeat in my head. That little voice in your head who knows you so much, who speaks for you. Because we all know that sometimes, even if we are so so tired and so down, we’ll just say “I’m fine”. So, it’s that voice in your head that reminds you of how you truly feel. But even if you do vocalize what you feel, even if you’re open to people of how you truly feel telling them that you are indeed tired, sometimes they still don’t understand, right? But who can blame them. When we were young we were taught that one can only get tired when they did something. Something that involves our physical body. May it be working out, or going to places, or even sex. That’s when you can say you’re tired. But nowadays, it means so much more than that. A lot of us don’t get tired because we exercised or went to far places or anything that involves the use of our body and motor skills. Now, the phrase “I’m tired” can mean more than physically tired. And that was what that amazed me and made me feel even more…. tired. See, that phrase has a lot of meaning now. Yet only few understands that. Only few people know that when someone says they are tired it can mean they are tired mentally because of thinking so much stuff: like work or school or even life. Leading sometimes to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Sometimes it can also mean one is tired emotionally. Feeling sad all the time, feeling confused, feeling alone. Those feelings make us say “I’m tired of feeling sad all time” or “I’m tired of feeling alone”. Yet that person didn’t do anything the whole day. And that emptiness takes a huge toll on them, making them say “I am tired” That phrase, those three words, has a lot of meaning. Like saying “i love you”. Which really amazed me. But then reality dawned upon me. That even though I sort of found a deeper meaning of what I was feeling, in hope that I would have a better understanding of why I feel tired, I am still lost. Lost in the sea, trying to find meaning and comfort to not be tired anymore. Or even just to be less tired. And as I ride through the storm, feeling helpless, I also realized that something. Yes, I am tired, but I am fighting through. That I acknowledged how I feel. That it’s okay to say hundreds of times “I am tired”. Because that means I have been working. Even though I did nothing “productive”. Even though I get consumed by the sadness and loneliness most days. Even though was staring at my screen or lying on bed the whole day. I have been working. Working myself to be better each day. Mucho amor, elgirasol 🌻 Photo by Alwi Alaydrus on Unsplash